Breakdown: Warning: This review contains screencaps and language that might not be suitable for all audiences. Reader discretion is advised.
To give myself a short break from this series, I decided to go over the English voice actor list. The acting thus far has been pretty damn bad. Not some of the worst I’ve heard, but you can clearly tell that practically no one except maybe Kirika’s VA really gives a crap….and I can’t say I blame them. If there was ever a voice acting project outside of hentai that screamed ‘I really needed a paycheck’ it’s Eiken.
Chiharu’s VA is credited as Becky Chiang, but it’s really Stephanie Steh. She has a very long list of acting credits including Mamimi from FLCL, Orihime from Bleach, Hinata Hyuuga from Naruto, Usagi from Viz’s Sailor Moon dub, and Penny from Zatch Bell. So she’s really comfortable playing crybabies and shy girls.
Densuke is played by Bryce Papenbrook. I really only recognize him as young Vash from Trigun, Shugo from .Hack//Twilight, Ikko from Ah my Buddah!, and Eren from the dub of Attack on Titan, but I’ve never really watched the dubbed version of AoT. Though, considering I know him best as Shugo and none of these roles seem to display much range, I feel like that would be an awful voice for Eren, but I’m not one to judge.
Kirika’s VA is Cindy Robinson who, despite having a decent lengthy resume, I can’t really recognize from anything. The only ones that stick out are Tsunami from Naruto and Queen Beryl from Viz’s dub of Sailor Moon.
Komoe and Kyoko’s VA (And them sharing a VA is basically proof that these two are supposed to be mirror loli fodder just with different chest sizes) is Rebecca Forstadt, who has a similar issue in her roles. I really only recognize her as Pai from 3×3 Eyes in the Streamline dub, even though I’ve never watched the dub. I should mention, however, that Komoe’s voice is one of the worst out of the bunch.
Here’s where it starts to hurt because Grace is voiced by Mona Marshall…….Mona….freakin’…Marshall. Kite from .Hack, Toboe from Wolf’s Rain, and, yes, Izzy from Digimon. I weep for you, Mona Marshall. I weep…
Yuriko is voiced by Jessica Gee, who really only seems to do video game work now, but I noticed that she also had a part in De:Vadasy…..that’s a whole other can of worms I don’t even want to think about right now.
Finally, Teacher is voiced by Kathy Keller. I find her resume to be the funniest because, outside of Eiken, she has had zero roles in anything else for voice acting. Think about it, she’s voicing Teacher, who feels like she’s ignored and forgotten. She only has this one role to her name and otherwise completely vanished from the VA world. What a coincidence.
Alright, enough lollygagging (Am I doing it again or is my mind becoming so messed up by this show that I ruined that word forever for me?), let’s get to to second half of Eiken so we can finally be done forever.
Our first shot is of a banana peel…….We get narration from our main character, Densuke, as he explains facts about his school, Zashono Academy. The building of which is also a big ol’ phallic symbol—Okay, what’s with the Deja vu?
Actually, we see the school and the city around it covered in decorations for the games and we hear Densuke explaining that a lot has happened in….the past day…..this was included over a shot of his first meeting with Chiharu…..Implying….that he’s only been there a day….
Shima talks with Chiharu for a bit and she says she needs to go back to the others to participate in the games because she has a responsibility to the Eiken club. Then Shima wipes off some of the yogurt from Chiharu’s face with his index finger because it’s a stand-in for man-milk………………Chiharu’s braids are way shorter than her actual hair length is……..Hm……Oh what was I saying?
Cut back to Densuke who wants to find Chiharu but not before Kirika plops her punching bags on Densuke’s head again while eating a banana. Komoe does that stupid floppy dance thing again while trying to hold onto a really long white and seemingly dripping phallic symbol I can’t even identify. I would say it’s a peeled banana, but it’s way too long and they never say what it is.
Komoe slips on a banana peel – for the love of god, how many times am I going to need to repeat that? She beats the crap out of Densuke’s face with her can-cans, and afterward they somehow end up with Komoe’s face in Densuke’s crotch.
Time for theme song! Yay! I get a break again!
Boo, why’s it over?
Anyway, the next event is up and the game is to get a ball across a pool without using your hands…..Oh gee…I wonder what this will lead to.
We see Kirika eating another banana….can you please just give it a rest? I actually thought Kirika would be entertaining given her entrance, but, outside of that, all she does is stand there with products from Phallic-Food Co. in her mouth, never actually taking a bite, and putting her bam bams on Densuke’s head.
Yuriko is rubbing what I think is suntan lotion all over Densuke to get him to admit that he likes her awoogas better than Chiharu’s when the same orange double balloon blimp that has been flying around for the entire series starts to land. It’s the arrival of the winners from the previous games….Have they been floating around in the sky for no reason this entire time?
Oh now Kirika’s cutting the BS and is purposely moving the banana back and forth in her mouth for no reason. Comedy gold.
The winner from last year is, SHOCK BEYOND SHOCKS, Shima who is now wearing a speedo and is surrounded by a harem of six literally identical girls in maid outfits and glasses. Oh good, I was worried we wouldn’t get the maid outfit trope in there.
Wait…if this is a series of events and the cumulative wins determine the winner….why is Shima just showing up now? Two events have already gone by and there can’t be that many left. Is he that…..*sigh*….Is he that cocky that he’d come in so late believing he’d win the rest of the remaining games in hopes that might be enough to win? Why is he even allowed to enter now? I know this is pointless to talk about, but it allows me to hit the pause button. Floobedy doobedee.
We also learn that Shima specifically came back from studying in America just to compete in these games…wow. Hope you’re getting your airfare’s worth, buddy.
Densuke is now in a girl’s swimsuit because I don’t know. I guess the Eiken team may only have girl swimsuits and Densuke doesn’t own one of his own, but that doesn’t explain why he has a pink beaded elastic in his hair now. And, no, it’s not to keep his hair out of his eyes in the pool because it doesn’t affect his bangs at all and is just a small side pony.
Get ready for a twist – Shima’s not doing the event with one of his clone maid girls, he’s doing the event with Chiharu!
I have no idea why I keep getting irritated by these moronic plot developments, but really? She was so mad at Densuke for something I don’t even think he did, had any control over or was properly established at all that she abandoned her friends on the Eiken team to join Shima? You’re a dumbass bimbo, Chiharu.
It’s Shima and Chiharu’s turn to, for lack of a better term, position the ball between them. He decides to, for lack of a better term, put the ball in her mouth and then pretend to kiss her when they’re holding the ball between their mouths.
The event starts, and Shima and Chiharu take an early lead while Densuke’s too freaked out by Yuriko’s bowling balls to move faster than them.
Shima embraces Chiharu further and puts the ball between their cheeks instead to move faster.
Shima: “Let’s pick up the pace by moving faster.”…..That….is typically….how you pick up….pace…I….what?
Oh and by the way….this entire scene is now full of rape-ish implications because Shima keeps going further with his advances, putting the ball between her goal posts and keeping his nose on it, all the while she’s screaming that she doesn’t like it and she’s embarrassed and scared and also while she’s moaning……
In addition, all of the teams are stopped for no reason while this happens seemingly just to get more fanservice in.
Chiharu remembers Densuke’s promise that he’d protect her again, only this time making the promise that he’d protect her from Shima, so she reaches out for Densuke, but he’s preoccupied. I guess Yuriko worked the ball down to his crotch and is now rubbing his crotch with her face and the ball while she uses her hands to rub his ass. What else do you expect, really?
We cut away to after the race because no one bothered to write anymore of that scene. Shima apologizes to Chiharu for pushing her too hard, but he claims he just wanted to cheer her up. Yes, cheer her up by forcing her to do stuff she doesn’t want to do and by using the event as an excuse to molest her.
Shima hugs her and thinks to himself that all he wants is to make Chiharu smile. Then we get an odd and out of place pause for like four seconds where absolutely nothing is happening or is being said. I actually thought the video didn’t buffer enough when this scene came up.
Densuke pops up out of the bushes, and Shima congratulates him on winning second place, which I guess means they won first. It’s called ‘Show, don’t tell’, Eiken. It’s one of the most basic concepts in visual storytelling.
The next event is starting and I can’t wait to see what fresh slice of hell is waiting….Oh it’s….just a running race from one island to another since the tides are out enough to show the land beneath it….Huh….this might not be so bad. Oh it’s an obstacle course!……getting slightly more worried now.
The first obstacle involves crossing a pool..…
…..where a bunch of chocolate covered bananas–
*sigh* Urgggh, where a bunch of chocolate covered bananas are waiting for them, and they have to keep the bananas in their mouths until they reach the next obstacle.
Meanwhile, Shima talks to Densuke about liking Chiharu and states that he wants to go out with her. Kirika shows up WITHOUT A PHALLIC SHAPED FOOD!? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?! D: She says that the final event will decide which one of them gets Chiharu.
In case you’re just tuning in, the series just basically stated full out that Chiharu was a prize….property to be won. Chiharu gets no say in the matter. They don’t even ask her opinion while they’re discussing this. They just agree to those terms and prepare for the game.
Back at the games, the racers are running to the bananas and clone maid #227 from Shima’s team can’t get this bafflingly large chocolate covered banana into her throat enough to get a good grasp on it and says she can ‘usually handle this size’…..I didn’t really think they could get lazier, but there they go. Grace pops up for the first time in ever to show her how its done and slowly gets a good chunk of it down smoothly. I still weep for you, Mona Marshall. Learn from your mistakes, please.
By the way, is there any reason they can’t carry the bananas sideways like any normal person would? Oh right, then it wouldn’t look like a BJ.…
Back with the others, Kirika says that, in addition to Densuke getting Chiharu as a prize for winning (urgh), Shima has to ‘back off’ of the Eiken club……………………………What? He’s been in one event and like two separate scenes, none of which involved any other Eiken members besides Yuriko, Densuke and Chiharu. This is the first scene we’ve ever seen of him and Kirika together. In addition, he’s been in America for at least a year. What exactly is he doing to the Eiken club that’s so annoying? Is there some homework I wasn’t assigned before watching this?
Densuke’s nervous because he doesn’t think he can win. He wipes the sweat off of his face, and Chiharu points out that he’s wiping off his face with her panties again…….How? Just how? Why does he have those with him? I mean, stupid as it was, at least that joke made sense in the fountain because her panties came off in the fountain, but why does he have them now? Did he keep them on him for….gross and wrong reasons? If so-
Densuke gains another lead in the Ecchi Creepiness Olympics! It’s still anyone’s game, especially with a new contender in our possible sexual predator, Shima, but it’s looking good for Densuke. I haven’t seen a creepiness competition this intense since the battle of Kimura from Azumanga Daioh vs. the teacher from DearS! That reminds me, I could actually be watching anything but this right now. Back to you in the studio!
Komoe’s up in the obstacle course, mostly just doing her shtick of bouncing bob-ombs. When we cut back to Densuke who is feeling down in the dumps about his odds in the competition, feeling that he has no chance against Shima because he’s so super hot and stuff. He tells Yuriko that all he wanted was to win the games to buy Chiharu a present and looks at…..Chiharu’s panties in his hands again. Why did you keep those?! Chiharu didn’t run away that time to my knowledge. When you realized what you had in your hand, did you just stuff them back into your girl swimsuit hoping she wouldn’t notice?
Wow, it certainly seems like Densuke’s the crowd favorite for the Ecchi Creepiness Olympics now! Things are really heating up, but we still have about fifteen minutes left! Can he hold this lead until the ending theme starts?
Cut back to the obstacle course where it’s now Teacher’s turn to go at it, and her challenge is to sit in an inner tube and float down a pool. Okay, an excuse to show lots of asses and crotches……I’ll bite, what’s the catch?
I tell you the catch….eels. Or to put it in more common terms, tentacle hentai. Yes, there are eels in the pool and their only function in the obstacle course is to swim up into the contenders’ bikini bottoms. Again, I’m pretty sure Teacher’s doing this one because the more hardcore ecchi stuff is possibly relegated to older characters.
Back with Densuke, he’s still moping and, instead of offering actual support, Yuriko strips down naked, hugs Densuke and keeps hitting on him. What a slut. Actually, she’s a slut and a bitch because she realizes Densuke feels like crap right now and likes Chiharu and she realizes Chiharu likes Densuke back yet she still does this crap.
It’s Kyoko’s turn, IE, the only character who is not entirely annoying to watch’s turn, but surprisingly she doesn’t do anything but win with her big mech which should totally be cheating, but no one says a thing about it.
Back with Densuke, Yuriko gives Densuke her bra and tells him to win the competition to win her heart forever. Bitch, please. You’re such a horny whore bag you’d probably go through the Kama Sutra with him if he breathed in your general direction. Also, this is the second time it’s been implied that Yuriko keeps molesting him to the point where he actually ‘finishes’.
CONTINUED ON PAGE 2
3 thoughts on “Eiken Episode 2 Review”
Great play-by-play of a hilariously bad anime. Would you believe this made it on American cable? Back when Starz used to show anime, they played it several times on the action channel.
Yes, the ACTION channel.
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Thank you very much, I’m glad you enjoyed it. 🙂
Oh come on. It’s easy to mistake this series for an action show. Just last week I was watching Rambo: First Blood and it got to the scene where Rambo meets a big-boobed woman and watches her suggestively eat a banana while bouncing up and down for twenty minutes before he went off and ‘accidentally’ pulled his love-interest’s panties down and I was like ‘They totally used this as inspiration for Eiken. Cool!’
I didn’t realize there were so many big names in anime dubbing were involved. The fact that Mona Marshall and Stephanie Sheh were involved is extremely depressing. The latter is frustrating for me because I just want to scream “YOU WERE HAYDEE IN GANKUTSUOU! HAVE SOME DIGNITY!” knowing about that fact. Your humor in taking apart Eiken was very hilarious and I enjoyed it. Sorry that you had to suffer watching this dreck.
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