Eiken Episode 1 Review

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Rating: 0/10

Plot: Boing, boing, boing, banana, boing.

Breakdown: Warning – This review contains screencaps and language that is not suitable for younger audiences. Reader discretion is advised.

I’ve been wanting to review this series for some time now mostly because I see this as the pinnacle of pandering in terms of fetish anime…….except maybe Seikon no Qwazer, but one brain aneurysm at a time.

There are a lot of ecchi shows out there that basically bank on fanservice alone, but this is basically Fanservice: The Series, and it’s not even like regular fanservice; it’s specifically nothing but fanservice aimed at people who have a thing for ridiculously huge breasts. Not just anime ridiculous breasts, but like ‘How are they not dead by now?’ breasts.

Because I think it would be redundant and/or short to just write off this series based on that, I decided I would be kind enough to walk you through both episodes of Eiken. Ready your bras.

Episode 1: The first shot of the first episode is of a banana peel on the floor. See, bananas are phallic symbols…..That’s all I got.

We get narration from our main character, Densuke, as he explains facts about his school, Zashono Academy. The building of which is also a big ol’ phallic symbol.

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Also, it’s Den-Skay. Little to no emphasis on the ‘su’ part. Not Den-Su-kay, dub. He’s basically every male protagonist in every harem ever. Modest, bland character design, practically no personality and he’s completely forgettable.

As we see our first shot of Densuke, we also see a good chunk of the female student body and not one of them has a cup size below DD.

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Also, what the crap is up with those uniforms? This is like Kaichou wa Maid-sama levels of ugly. The boys have basically normal dark clothing yet the girls get fugly yellow, green and purple garbage. At least it doesn’t involve plaid, but that sweater vest isn’t helping any.

A girl runs into him and they both fall over due to the banana peel from earlier (Damn kids and their banana peels. Haven’t they ever seen a comedy sketch!?) And somehow someway this causes her to fall on her back and him to fall on top of her. Physics, what’s that? Hell, they even show the fall in slow motion, because we really needed to see her teddy bear panties, and he’s clearly falling backwards on his back and she’s falling forward on her front.

Apparently he’s a kid that a lot of people are gossiping about because he scored highest on the entrance exams to this supposedly prestigious academy because that’s what they yell when they see him fall over.

He realizes that he’s not just on top of the girl, he’s squeezing her shirt balloons. Her tatas are also so big and apparently squishy that his hands are practically melting into them. I don’t have a chest quite so comically large, but I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t happen.

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The others are getting on his case for groping the girl, Chiharu, and even though it was an accident, I actually find it justified because even after he realizes what he’s touching he still squeezes them twice.

A mech comes flying out of nowhere with a girl, Kirika, riding on the side with a shot of her bra weights literally flapping in the wind. She has ridiculously long purple hair and seems to have the biggest bazongas thusfar.

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You’ll also note that hey had to get Phallic Symbol High in a better shot in the background with her too.

She tells Densuke that he’s been selected to join their club, the Eiken club, or as the dub likes to call it the Ai-ken club. Because why learn proper Japanese pronunciation when dubbing a Japanese show? That’s just silly.

She basically kidnaps him and tries to force him to sign up I guess because he literally is the perfect description of a Gary Stu character and most importantly, not joking, because he touched another club member, Chiharu’s, ‘extra F-cup boobies’. I’ve been trying to avoid that word for comedic effect and moderate censoring (because I really don’t want the SEO of this blog post to be 80% keyword – boobies) but that is a direct quote from the show.

She eventually forces him to sign with his thumb print by forcing him down on the paper and sitting on his head. And she wears no underwear. You can’t see anything, but you can plainly tell.

As the deal is sealed we get our opening theme song. The song itself is completely generic and forgettable. The background animation is blah, but the main character runs through a generic background as he bumps into the various members of Eiken. Oh, they’re giant versions of the members and he always bumps into their hot air balloons.

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After that, we see Chiharu standing behind the same background as the wind gently blows both her hair and her chimmichangas around. Okay, look, I gave a pass to the whole Kirika thing on the mech because the wind was likely really intense as she flew around and I would suppose something like that might be possible with winds that strong, but come on. There’s not understanding milk balloon physics and being concerned that the people behind this have never seen or felt real ones before. They’re not made of the same material as flags!

Blah blah panty shots, blah blah random girl crotching Densuke to the face, blah blah random hula hoop session for all the characters to make their watermelons bounce around some more while simultaneously giving us plenty of panty shots. Also, Densuke looks ridiculous during this whole thing.

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Blah blah making the credits bounce on one of the girl’s oingo boingos. Can we end now? Thank you.

Densuke’s apparently alone in some building with some woman and the dialogue is making it seem like like they’re about to do the bedroom tango, but what they’re really doing is some insanely dumb form of fortune telling where they crawl around on the floor and try to pass a rose between their lips. If it falls or something, she can then tell his fortune. Yeah, I don’t get it either. Anyway, he doesn’t put the rose in her mouth and she says from the way the rose fell that he’s going to suffer misfortune, be beaten up and some opposing character will cause him grief.

Cut to later, oh and there’s a double balloon blimp in the sky. Guess why. Because they look like boo–

Densuke gets called over by his friends to look in a window and we see the female student body having their physicals with all of them being topless and/or braless talking about how big Chiharu’s chichis are.

He gets caught and Kirika’s practically impressed that he’s a peeping tom….Kirika’s weird.

I’m gonna take a time out here to say the art is awful. I won’t go so far as to say it’s some of the worst I’ve seen but ew. If you’re going to get into the business of ecchi, at least be skilled enough in art to make things visually appealing. Between the stupid designs only blown up to ludicrous due to their chest sizes and the gross color schemes, no wonder even people who like even the stupidest of ecchi hate this show.

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Now’s also as good a time as any to get the intros to the other club members out of the way.

The person behind the mech and apparently a lot of other weird tech things around, like what looks like a nuke and a….possibly a giant bear thing…Don’t ask questions, just move on; is a girl named Kyoko who is actually flatchested (Alert the media.) I would say that this is due to her age as she’s the second youngest of the group but there’s another girl named Komoe who is actually younger than Kyoko and she has the same case of ‘parachuteforabra-itis’ that the other girls have. I guess we needed two loli characters; one for the ones with a chest fetish, the other for those who don’t.

I will also mention that the Wiki page was kind enough to actually provide the worryingly precise chest measurements of all of the girls in the series…..Just in case you needed to know that vital information.

The fortune teller from earlier is named Grace and she also doesn’t have particularly huge human utters.

And then there’s Sensei, who doesn’t have any name beyond ‘Sensei’ or in the dub ‘Teacher’. Her schtick is that she’s a whiny basketcase.

Finally we have the characters we’ve already met, Kirika, the psycho who apparently loves perversion, and Chiharu the shy one.

These characters are actually so paint-by-numbers that they’re friggin color coded. Not kidding at all. Chiharu has red hair, Kirika has purple, Kyoko has light blue, Grace has blond, Komoe has bright pink and Sensei has green.

Densuke tries to help Komoe get something in a high cabinet (Geez, those cabinets are like 7 feet off the ground, who built this place?) As they try something new, Kirika walks by….sucking on a banana.

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Okay, look, I’m not dumb, I get the joke. Haha. But I always found that joke to be dumb, and my reasoning’s going to be just as stupid…..Who sucks on a banana? It’s not a damn lollipop – it’s a banana! It’s one of the most fragile fruits in existence. Babies can eat them whole before their teeth come in! It’s not like it’s even tempting to try. Bananas aren’t particularly sweet, especially not enough to want to suck on. An apple, maybe. A plum, sure. But not a damned banana.

They get the idea to hold Komoe up to let her reach the cabinet, but, surprise, Densuke is being suffocated by her boom booms. It’s not even like this is an ecchi shot either because despite them being in the shot, they show it from the back so you can’t even see what’s going on.

Teacher walks up to them after that plan fails to suddenly bawl about how she’s been teaching at the school for over 12 years and not one student ever remembers her name. Also, she actually pronounces Eiken correctly…..Well…I guess she IS the teacher.

Densuke tries to cheer her up by saying, as the club’s adviser, only she can can help them out of this problem….Grab a goddamn step stool you lazy sons of bitches…..

She freaks out in delight that one of her students actually respects her and needs her help, so she does the logical thing and hug-humps Densuke….

She says two heads are better than one, and I bring this up because there are THREE of them, so that saying doesn’t work, and we see Kirika walk by….sucking on a hotdog.

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1) Who sucks on a hotdog?!

2) Really? You’re going to do one of the oldest ecchi-esque jokes in existence twice in a minute and a half? Comedy legends you lot are.

3) Who follows up eating a banana by eating a hotdog? Those tastes do not belong together at all.

4) Way to recycle animation.

So what was Teacher’s solution? To have both her AND Komoe climb up on Densuke’s shoulders to reach the cabinet….that they still can’t reach. But don’t worry. This time you can see Teacher’s thong. I have a hard time believing someone as insecure as her would wear a thong but whatever.

Also, uhm, question. How did you guys put the stuff into the cabinet? Take that method to REACH THE CABINETS NOW YOU DUMB SACKS OF DUMB.

They eventually reach what they need and eat lunch. Kirika asks Densuke how it was when he saw Chiharu’s bare flesh pillows, and they talk about boring crap involving food for a while until Komoe decides to freak out and dance which makes her sweater meat flop all over the place. While dancing, she falls on another banana peel which leads to an intense discussion over politics.

Pbbthahahaha, just kidding. It’s more slow motion fanservice.

This fall takes forever and they cover practically every angle they can to show Komoe’s flopping bouncy houses, her panties, as well as Densuke reaching for said bouncy houses to catch her and Teacher’s panties in several angles. Somehow this fall causes them to defy the laws of physics again and fall backwards, making Teacher’s dress go all the way up to her shoulders to display her in her bra and showing that Densuke is grabbing one of both of their orbs of power.

Oh yeah and because Teacher was trying to make more noodles, they got covered in noodles too….Long white wet stringy noodles. I guess I can at least be happy they weren’t eating anything with mayonnaise.…

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I feel like I need to censor almost all of these screencaps.

CONTINUED ON PAGE 2

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