6 Angels Review

The missiles have been set to launch, and the process can’t be canceled. However, Doris decides instead to divert the missiles elsewhere. Where does she choose? The damn moon! Yeah, our moon! I’m sure that won’t cause any negative effects like causing a harmful radioactive spray in our atmosphere, drastic changes to our tidal patterns or leaving Saiyans without the ability to become giant apes.

Maki asks if they can direct them towards another planet (or hell, just shoot them to some unknown coordinates in space.) but Doris says ‘no’ with no explanation as to why. Whatever.

After the launch is successful, Donn finds them and kidnaps them. Then he turns the tower of Neo Purgatory into a helicopter and launches it into the sky. Basically the entire base just, boop, helicopter and flying 30,000 feet in the air. Alright, I’ll accept that. I don’t care anymore. Stick your thumbs up your ass and call yourself Janet to summon a goblin from another dimension for all I care at this point.

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Despite it looking like Donn’s lost, he says it’s no matter because he’ll get away anyway due to the fact that the base has all sorts of nuclear waste inside of it that was left behind by the government. If they attack the base at all, the nuclear waste will be spread over the area causing sickness and death to many people across the globe for years.

Maki wakes up in a room where JC, Mike and mom are being crucified. Well, they’re on crosses, but they’re just tied up. I still have no idea why JC and Mike are still alive. Donn has no reason to keep them alive and he’s already killed one of his own sons, so what gives? And why crucify them?

Marilyn and the others catch up to them in their helicopter which has now turned into a plane for some reason.

Maki wants to shoot Donn, but Doris says she already tried (though I don’t see where) She wasted all of her bullets and they have no more energy left. Nothing says ‘great and important scene’ like off-screen attacks. Nothing works on him, but Maki ignores this and shoots him anyway to obviously no avail.

Link-bot and the Soviets show up and blast the crap out of Donn, revealing his true form – some sort of fiery angel thing.

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I really don’t know how to explain this one. Honestly. It’s been really tough so far, but this one’s the kicker. Ready? Because I’m not.

Donn was apparently ‘created’ by mom. Mom was in some sort of nuclear reactor for some reason when she met Donn. He was killed in a nuclear explosion but Mom gave him a new body and special powers. She also tasked him with the mission to kill all life on earth with nuclear weapons to purify the world of its radiation damage because she was tired of all the destruction (yes, destroy to stop destruction. Makes about as much sense as using nuclear missiles to cure radiation—oh wait.)

And guess what? She’s happy she did. She’s sad it came to these measures, but she’s relieved for some reason. I guess maybe because now people will understand the effects of radiation and nuclear testing. That’s a huge stretch. Yes, that sure was worth the death toll of over 12,000 people! And I’m not exaggerating. A reporter gives that death toll minutes before the base flies up into the air. And that’s just a during-the-war count – these tolls always spike after the fact so it’s probably like 13,000, maybe more.

Donn Canyon goes on a tangent about how he’s invincible and blah blah. Mom says that’s enough, but Donn says he’s not a child and then Mom instantly turns him into a ball of light and traps him in her hand…..That’s how we’re resolving the whole plot of the movie. Making our main villain a glowing Polly Pocket.

We find out the only good magic character in the movie is the one who caused all of it to happen…..and the main baddie is turned into a fire angel for a minute before being put in inter dimensional time-out by his mommy.

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Mom says she’ll take care of the base and the radiation within the base, so Maki and the others book it. Mom self-destructs and it’s super-effective against the base and the radiation, but Mom fainted! I mean, she…..turned into a bunch of tiny angel-fairy things?………………..Fuck it.

Also, if she can purify radiation with her magic angel powers all willy-nilly, why didn’t she try to do something like that with earth instead of sparking a war?

Despite the fact that there are no bodies on the crosses when Mom blows up, JC and Mike are nowhere to be found in the girls’ heli-plane. So….what, did they leave them there to die? What assholes.

Maki uses Donn’s transmission signal to send a message to earth. Basically it’s about as corny and hypocritical as the speech from the first Pokemon movie. It’s a big fat anti-violence message with a big emphasis on protecting women against violence caused by men. This IS ICE all over again!

It actually makes far less sense than ICE because it’s somewhat understandable that a world covered in literally nothing but women in a post-apocalyptic world would blame all of their hardship on the men long gone. In this movie it’s just tacked on. Men, even the ones on our side, are all evil, stupid, soulless bastards who only know perversion and fighting, and women are always innocent victims.

Sure, whatever you say, movie.

Let’s just ignore the fact that these girls have done nothing but fight and kill people, ESPECIALLY our good preacher, Maki, who is, by far, the most violent of them all. Let’s completely forget that they actually met two nice guys who risked their lives to save the girls on more than one occasion. Let’s completely ignore the nice male soldiers who helped them out during the war. Let’s completely neglect that your whole speech is full of shit and so are you!

*cough*…Sorry about that.

We cut back to normal life at the Guard of Rose. At first I was wondering how and why they still existed seeing as how Neo Purgatory was annihilated and that’s what they were guarding, but as we get further into the scene we understand why.

We see Maki getting ready for work.

Okay, that’s normal.

We see Doris taking a shower with surprisingly no boob shots. Then JC suddenly appears in her shower…….Wait, what? Doris is as surprised as I was. He’s alive and well, somehow, and I guess teleported into her shower because she was his favorite, which is weird because they never showed any connection beforehand. Then Doris just beats him up……O…kayyyy. Also, where’s Mike? Why do you suddenly reappear but we have no idea where Mike is? Is he dead?

A now naked Maki (still with no boob shots so, what’s the point? I’m not begging for it, but I’ve seen nude breasts like three times in this movie. Why are they shy about it now?) calls up to Naomi who’s apparently running tests with Katherine on the old site of Neo Purgatory. We see some light and then they cut away and we have no idea what they did. Well, thanks for that.

We then see the girls at work where Maki’s wearing her combat suit yet Marilyn and Doris are making fun of her for it and are wearing business suits. Why? Well, we cut out and see..…

Are you sitting down? You might want to sit down.

You ready? Okay. Here goes.

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You’re really seeing this. And yes, that’s really the White House. And no, they’re not just workers in the White House – not just consultants or military officers or anything..…

…..Maki’s now the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. And seeing as how, from the best of what I can deduce, this is like a few weeks to a month after the war, the president must’ve been so touched by her speech and so ashamed of what he and the government has been doing with nuclear testing over the years (and possibly guilt-ridden for being part of the evil, perverted and violent gender known as man) that he just handed his job and the jobs of the cabinet to Maki and her band of equally unqualified flat unmemorable stupid characters. Because that’s how politics works, right?

It’s a huge mess when it’s time for the Miss USA contestants to start making their speeches about what they’d do if they were crowned.

————————————–

This movie…..is one of the most broken, awful pieces of crap I’ve ever seen. If you want to get a taste of what THEM said about it, here’s their ‘recommended audience’ excerpt. “Anyone actually willing to watch this movie after finding out its utter lack of quality scares me. (Twix: Why thank you) There are several scenes of torture, pointless nudity, and graphic violence, so even if this movie were actually watchable, it would be relegated to an audience of older teens and above. However, even the most fanatical and undiscerning otaku would be hard pressed to sit through all ninety minutes of this exercise in masochism. (Twix: Why…thank you?)”

I’d be lying if I said I disagree. I can’t even recommend this movie to people who like watching bad movies. Unless you like to rage up a wall, be confused out of your skull for 90 minutes or think that the many spelling problems on the computer screens are worth sitting through this confused piece of shit, I’d say burn it if you ever saw a copy of it anywhere. But considering it seems purely relegated to the Internet, that’s probably not gonna happen.

There’s laughably bad movies, but at least you can usually follow them. At least they usually have a coherent plot. I don’t think I’ve ever needed to do outside research on a movie or anime to understand half of what the hell was going on while still being lost out of my mind.

This is a rarity if not a first for me, as I will agree and say it’s unwatchable. It is just that bad. It’s barely coherent half the time, and I bet the writers were the same way. It’s like they had a brainstorming session while they were doing meth, wrote down the ideas on paper and never went any further in the writing process. It doesn’t help at all that the only available subbed version of this OVA is almost as incoherent as the OVA itself. Don’t get me wrong, I will kiss the feet of whoever had the balls to watch this numerous times, translate the script, put on the subtitles, edit it, sync it and distribute it to English speaking audiences, but it’s far from a great sub effort.

I mean, if you feel up to it, you can dredge through it in chunks like I did, which is the only good part of this movie.

This movie was broken up into five parts for Internet distribution. The first part is 10 minutes, the second 12 minutes, the third 10 minutes, the fourth 17 minutes with the final being 28 minutes. So, yeah, despite being the only good part about this movie, it’s also horribly inconsistent with the way that it’s cut up. And it’s not the uploader’s fault – the creators purposely made the movie into episodes specifically broken up into these lengths. The episodes, by the way, have really unclear and sudden endings. I just can’t imagine watching this in one sitting and not dying.

I have no clue what this movie was even supposed to do. Send a confused message about nuclear radiation? Send a preachy message about domestic violence against women while also being terribly sexist against men and completely ignoring domestic violence against men? Send a weird religious message? Just what? I don’t understand. Why was this OVA even allowed to be released? Was it too late into the creation to realize what a pile of garbage this movie was to turn back and they just wanted to see if they could get at least a modicum of their investment back?

The music ranges from meh to blech with a lot of music sounding like it’s from an old 80’s RPG.

The voice acting’s also meh to blech, and Katherine’s VA is annoying as hell. The lip flaps never matched what the characters were saying much of the time, either. This is never usually an issue for me, but here it was just really obvious.

Anything else?…..Oh, oh yeah….Why is this movie called 6 Angels!?! Who the hell are they? We have two actual angels in Mom and Donn, JC and Mike inexplicably get wings near the end of the movie, so maybe that makes them two others…..Who are the other two? Two people in the Guard of Rose? If so, which ones?

None of them ever showcase angelic powers or sprout wings. I really thought the girls in the Guard of Rose were meant to all be angels with mom being the final one, but as I said none of them have any powers outside of their combat suits and none of them show wings.

Are they metaphorically angels? No, you can’t do that. You can’t mix actual angels with metaphoric and call it a day. That doesn’t work anyway because then you’d have NINE angels.

Also, I have the stupidest non-theory about JC and Mike…..Mike….as in Michael….the archangel…..JC…..Jesus Christ…..That would at least minimally explain the random crucifixion. Oh wait, no it doesn’t, because nothing makes any sense whatsoever. I guess that would also explain why he randomly ‘comes back to life’ and why Mike doesn’t, but then factor in that he reappeared in Doris’ shower and it makes no sense again.

Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I trying to find plot points that are clearly way out of this movie’s intellectual league? Is it so bad that I’m reaching for anything that might even slightly be symbolic or interesting?

Am I done yet? Is that it? Am I free now?

Thank God.

Bottomline: No.

Additional Information and Notes: 6 Angels was ‘directed’ by Makoto Kobayashi, whom I can’t find any information on, and “WRITTEN”  by Yasushi Hirano, who actually has a really extensive resume including Vampire Hunter D (OAV), Ninja Scroll and–Are you taking the piss right now?….You can’t be serious…..

He wrote ICE.

Of course he did.

Of course.

He did.

6 Angels was produced by Ark Trues, and, shock beyond shocks, this is the only anime they ever produced.

Episodes: 6

Year: 2001-2002

Recommended Audience: Bare breast shots, hints of sexual abuse, naked ass shots, torture scenes, child abuse, graphic scenes of death and decapitation and high amounts of mind-numbing stupidity and confusion. No one.

3 thoughts on “6 Angels Review

  1. I only know about that movie because of THEM’s review of it. You poor thing. I’m sorry you reviewed that movie. This looks like one of those so bad, it’s horrible movies instead of something that’s at least funny such as The Room. That review was one epic, yet appropriate rant. Those mummy ninjas are shameless ripoffs of Jack from Power Stone. Terry Canyon? That’s not even trying since I know there’s a character from Ultimate Muscle of the same name (yes, I remember that anime)! The villain not only looks like a mix between Vash and a Fist of the North Star character, but I’d even add Katz from that “All Your Base Are Belong to Us” video game meme. This movie looks like total crap!

    • I’m happy to say I’ve recovered from my brush with 6 Angels, but the scars remain lol I didn’t really watch it, but I remember Ultimate Muscle too! Oh yeah, I totally get the ‘All Your Base Are Belong to Us’ guy vibes from him! That makes it even funnier lol

      • Yeah, that doesn’t help. You remember Ultimate Muscle? Nice! I was thinking of Terry “The Grand” Canyon who was Kid Muscle’s best friend in that series.

        Yes! I’m glad you noticed that, too! Hahaha!

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