6 Angels Review

Maki makes a plan to fool Terry and Ed by pretending to overtake JC and Mike on the camera footage and getting away unnoticed somehow. You’d think the camera would record long enough to see their deception full out, but nope. I guess it just recorded for 10 seconds and shut off. Memory card must’ve been full.

Also, isn’t it incredibly inefficient to have a camera running on the banisters of the halls of the prison that come by like once every hour or so, instead of just placing hidden cameras in the cells? It looks like it’d be crazy easy to stop the camera from moving, avoiding its gaze or just knocking it off the banister. In addition, if the camera stops and records any activity in the cells with no way for another camera to pass it, isn’t another way to avoid it to create activity in another cell and let it record that while you escape?

By the way, Neo Purgatory is HUGE. They nearly fall off the pathway thanks to Maki tackling the boys and we see that there’s about 500 stories of endless cells if not more making up merely one section of Neo Purgatory.

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Pictured: A Non-violent woman

Ed and Terry decide to use JC and Mike as hostages……eh, for what? Do they really think the girls got attached to the guys that they just supposedly attacked and tied up to be left for dead by merciless killers? Oh whatever.

We now learn where Marilyn has been this whole time – getting tortured by Terry’s twin brother Sam. JC and Mike are thrown into her cell. Sam starts smacking JC around, but is saved by the girls who were invisibly following JC and Mike to avoid the intruder detection (because I guess JC and Mike were seen as traitors or something, I dunno).

Since when do their suits make them invisible? What technology is this!? What is it called?! How does it work?! Someone please explain something!

They save Marilyn who, despite looking like she went five rounds with Tyson, is perfectly fine after she gets her suit back on……What the hell was the point of that plotline? The kidnapping had no impact on the plot or Marilyn and they just leave immediately afterward, so why was it there?

Sam gets back up after being knocked out and attacks Maki, but he’s quickly taken care of by Katherine who, out of nowhere, shoots him in the head and then proceeds to fill him with lead while screaming because she was abused, I guess.

Yeah, let’s get this plotline out of the way – Katherine’s like a reluctant spy for Donn. No idea where she came from, why she knew Donn Canyon or where her parents are, she just sneaks onboard their helicopter and has a radioactive stick with her that apparently has been transmitting where she is to Donn. She constantly flip flops between obnoxious brat, innocent kid and crazed psycho and I hate her.

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Terry and the Mummy Ninjas (note to self: add to list of great band names) find them, but they escape through a convenient tunnel system. Why would a prison cell have a built-in escape tunnel, you ask? Because shut up.

Terry’s uber pissed about the death of his brother and goes on a rampage to find the group. He eventually does find them and, without energy, the group is unable to use their magic science powers in the fight. Terry blasts them with a rocket launcher, but it completely misses them and just blasts the floor under them, sending them to some underground place they’re not supposed to be in.

Ed and his younger brother, Akira, are trying to access ‘nucrear’ missiles out in space to complete the final step in the mission that I will explain in a second. Once they’ve ‘encorded’ the final ‘pasward’ they gain control of the missiles and start the end of their plan.

Donn Canyon starts a national broadcast and explains his evil plan. The one that makes zero sense.

Ever since Chernobyl, the world has been hopelessly wounded time and again by nuclear radiation – whether through nuclear bomb testing or war. Despite apparently hillsides being covered in skulls to signify the deaths caused by radiation over the years, us stupid humans failed to see the dangers of it. In fact, nuclear pollution reached critical mass back in 2012 apparently. So, if that’s true, I’m dead, in Hell and am being forced to watch this. Makes more sense than me being a masochist and watching this of my own free will.

The world is dying, and in 2013 the radiation from Chernobyl will become super-radioactive causing massive world-wide destruction, but also causing a weird flower to grow. I have no idea what the hell this means and it’s never brought up again. The point is Donn Canyon plans to save the world by killing all of humanity with nuclear missiles.

…..Yes, you heard me. He believes nuclear radiation will be the downfall of earth, so he’s decided to save the earth by plowing tons of nuclear bombs into it.

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Oh, and believe it or not, this isn’t the part that makes the least sense yet. It gets better.

The soviets are attacking Donn Canyon and the rebels….Yeah, the soviets. Guess Russia changes its mind in the next 14 years. They have giant robots too, and if you want to be completely technical, they have no real bearing on the plot. But since I brought up one of them earlier, I’ll mention them here.

Katherine starts thinking everything’s hopeless and says it’s better if they die and the world ends because she was lucky enough to meet some great people. Then, out of nowhere, she succumbs to radiation poisoning. That radioactive stick thing I mentioned earlier was so radioactive that it caused her to become hopelessly sick with radiation poisoning. Why Link didn’t detect this at any point is beyond me because he’s supposed to be constantly scanning for and removing radiation through whatever R2D2 power he has.

JC and Mike decide to lead them to their ‘mom’ (The Canyon boys call Donn ‘dad’ while they usually address each other by ‘brother’. Though JC and Mike aren’t Canyon’s kids, so I dunno) because they say their mom can completely cure someone of radiation poisoning.

They arrive to where mom is, and here’s where things get really weird.

Yes, really.

Their mom is a legit angel-like being. Glowing, yellow, has angel wings, everything. Barring her face, which looks like an alien kinda, she’s complete angel. She makes out with Katherine and she’s suddenly cured of her radiation poisoning. To recap – An alien angel just made out with a 12 year old to cure her of radiation sickness.

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Suddenly, as the makeout session stops, mom says she has no idea who she is or why she’s there. Donn arrives and says it’s because she’s his beloved mom (to his being dad I guess). He explains that he killed a good deal of the prisoners at Neo Purgatory and is using their blood to purify the world and even made a creek out of their blood. So, wait, is it the nuclear missiles or the blood that purifies the world? Because doesn’t a good deal of the blood shed by nuclear missiles just end up dissipating?

Donn surrounds them with mechs. Terry and the mummy ninjas are preparing to kill them all, but Maki holds mom hostage. Nice, she just saved your friend, is apparently an angel and you’re threatening to kill her. What a nice non-violent woman you are.

However, Terry’s not deterred by this because he believes his mom won’t die due to mere gunfire. He’s about to launch his attack with his robots, but they won’t work. Out of the shadows comes Link, who is now outfitted with his own giant mech body to save the day.

I’m not lying here, the big hero of this fight is a little pink rabbit robot on top of a mecha suit. Is that supposed to be Giga? Why remove his head and take over his body? Most of the mechs look the same so I can’t even be sure of that. Oh and he uses Kamehameha wave-like blasts to take out the enemy alongside the soviet mechs.

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They take out Terry with a hail of gunfire and energy blasts. The Soviet soldier with the awful spike hairdo I mentioned earlier is actually Maki’s long lost twin sister……And I got that completely from THEM anime reviews because the movie basically sneezes through it. I would’ve never been able to connect it to begin with.

They briefly show a young Maki playing with some other kid in her pictures at home, but that kid had red hair, this chick has silver hair. I couldn’t even tell she was a girl thanks to her voice and hairstyle. Not like this plot sliver has any bearing anyway. Not like Maki even talked about her sister nor did they have much of a reunion. She didn’t even smile when she saw her. And this character does nothing of import anyway, so who the hell cares?

Her name’s Tereshkova, apparently because it just makes sense that one of two twin sisters would look that drastically different from her sister, be a Soviet soldier instead of American and have a Russian name while her sister’s is Japanese.

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Then we get more confusing story, if you can believe that. Tereshkova is a pilot of a mech in the Soviet Air Force. After Katherine bawls some more about how lonely and sad she was, Tereshkova gives her a pep talk and says she was born without arms or legs, as were the rest of her soldiers and I guess the military gave them mech suits to make up for that?…..What? I don’t get this. How are they even controlling those suits if they have no arms or legs? Is it like a huge version of automail and the nerves are attached to send and receive signals? Did Russia recruit a bunch of quadriplegics to pilot their mechs for whatever reason? Just huh!?

So it’s basically a speech about not giving up because of bad stuff and moving on with your life and living life to the fullest and blah blah blah. Thanks for that, character we were literally introduced to forcibly mere minutes ago and has no bearing on anything whatsoever.

We’re at the final half hour where things start falling apart beyond any scope of comprehension even with my sources.

Obviously they have to move forward and stop Donn Canyon. Mom offers to go with Maki while the others go with Link-bot and the Soviet soldiers to fight off the rebels. JC and Mike will also be accompanying Maki and mom on this mission for…some reason…

JC and Mike grow wings.

……….You heard me. Just straight the hell out of nowhere – wings. I guess mom did this but….how? Why? Why do they even need to go with her at all? They need to fly to get out of this underground room through a tunnel that shoots straight up for some reason. Maki doesn’t grow wings because….I have no clue…..I guess…..her suit lets her fly?……since when!? Stop adding powers to these stupid suits if you’re not going to explain anything about them!

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Akira is having trouble launching the missiles for some reason and gets so angry that he emotionlessly kills his associate by shooting him through the head. This upsets Ed for some reason, causing him to shoot Akira through the eye and he also shoots some other character who had like a five second part near the beginning.

Doris teleports to where Maki is as she’s flying up in the tunnel because I guess they can do that now too. She also spurts out that Maki’s grandma made the combat suits.

…..Okay….that’s nice.…

What does that have to do with anything? Why was this brought up? Who was Maki’s grandma? Why did she create the combat suits and how did she program all of this impossible stuff into them? Is she alive now and just recently made them because I doubt she made these high-tech combat suits in the 1940’s. The only time they actually bother trying to explain something about these suits and it just raises further questions!

I guess Ed’s betraying Donn now because the one murder he saw in front of him out of the hundreds if not thousands that he’s witnessed must’ve shocked him so much that he figured the cause was not worth it, but that seems stupid seeing as how he viciously murdered his brother and some random worker too, so whatever. He gets killed by Donn but who cares?

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Meanwhile in the tunnel thing, rebels are shooting at Maki and the others. Doris and Maki take them out by…..connecting their suits at the fist and spinning around really fast to make some sort of spinning top of doom thing….*sigh* I need a nap.

CONTINUED ON PAGE 3

3 thoughts on “6 Angels Review

  1. I only know about that movie because of THEM’s review of it. You poor thing. I’m sorry you reviewed that movie. This looks like one of those so bad, it’s horrible movies instead of something that’s at least funny such as The Room. That review was one epic, yet appropriate rant. Those mummy ninjas are shameless ripoffs of Jack from Power Stone. Terry Canyon? That’s not even trying since I know there’s a character from Ultimate Muscle of the same name (yes, I remember that anime)! The villain not only looks like a mix between Vash and a Fist of the North Star character, but I’d even add Katz from that “All Your Base Are Belong to Us” video game meme. This movie looks like total crap!

    • I’m happy to say I’ve recovered from my brush with 6 Angels, but the scars remain lol I didn’t really watch it, but I remember Ultimate Muscle too! Oh yeah, I totally get the ‘All Your Base Are Belong to Us’ guy vibes from him! That makes it even funnier lol

      • Yeah, that doesn’t help. You remember Ultimate Muscle? Nice! I was thinking of Terry “The Grand” Canyon who was Kid Muscle’s best friend in that series.

        Yes! I’m glad you noticed that, too! Hahaha!

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