Plot:…….Uhh…..A bunch of girls in some special guard thing fight some guy who wants to destroy the world and….stuff happens
Breakdown: WARNING – LONG RANTY REVIEW. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
This was…..an experience. I’ll give it that. I don’t know what kind of experience, but it was one. I don’t have much for introductions here, so let’s just get on with the show.
I can tell you something right now, I hate the artwork. I hate art styles that have the hair covering the eyes when it completely covers one eye or another and leaves in the linework for the eyes while covered by the coloring for the hair. That looks so lazy it’s insane.
On top of that, it’s incredibly annoying. I can usually ignore it, but there’s this one character with a bunch of orange yellow hair that hangs in front of her face that covers practically the entire side of her face and the linework for her eye shines right through it, making it looking horrible.
The main girl, Maki as well as some Soviet soldier who comes out of nowhere and we’re expected to know or connect with also have hair that covers half their faces. The soldier is the worst as her hair veers off into some huge spike that doubles back towards her face. You’d think they’d want as much hair out of their face as possible considering they’re soldiers, but I guess her eye goes right through it anyway, so why bother?
There’s one scene later on when one of the girls is naked lying splayed on her stomach and the art makes her look like a damn body builder when she looks slim in every other scene. (Warning, buttshot.)
Then you have people with long pointy faces like in Vampire Hunter D.
There’s also the main villain, but I’ll give you that taste of insanity in a little bit.
The animation doesn’t fare much better. It’s choppy and there are several scenes that seem like cardboard cut outs being panned over a background. In one episode with a character named Ed, I was laughing my ass off at how he was just sliding all over the place like the animator put butter on his character shot.
The CGI is mostly okay, but it contrasts badly with the awful traditional artwork. While objects made in CGI look perfectly fine, the ground and certain locations look pretty damn bad.
Another note: Gotta love when they don’t bother to spell-check anything that’s supposed to be on US technology. Not just any US technology, this is supposed to be the US government’s, specifically the president’s, computer system.
That’s not a one-time thing either. It happens constantly. Later the screen spells “Cancel” as “Cancell”, “Deceased” as “Decased” and the prison called Neo Purgatory is always spelled “Neo Pagatory.” Don’t bother spelling that focal location of our entire plot correctly. Oh and lest we not forget this gem.
I wanna have that stitched on a pillow.
Sometimes they even misspell their own characters’ names like Terrie Canione (Terry Canyon) and Mariryne (Marilyn).
Okay, okay. Let me see if I can somehow mend the insanely broken plot of this movie. Keep in mind, this is movie is so broken and hard to follow I had to do research after watching this movie to understand what was going on and I still have little clue, especially in regards to the ending.
The movie starts out by telling us in super-fast subtitles (on the raw footage, though my subs were also awful) that war repeats itself, some meteor shower occurred and something about an angel falling. I couldn’t follow any of it. I guess no one else could either because none of my sources even mention this. The text also basically says that men are to blame and women are the only ones who can do anything about it. Oh God, I’m watching ICE again, aren’t I!?
It’s the year 2026. The death penalty has been outlawed in the United States, and now those meant to be on death row are held in an underground prison in the crater of a nuclear bomb explosion called Neo Purgatory. Just roll with it – this is the least of our problems.
After that, we’re introduced to our main girls – Maki, the Japanese named American leader of the girls, Doris, aforementioned girl with annoying silver and orange hair, Marilyn, some chick with yellow hair that has purple lines in it, Naomi the lone black character becoming a double threat by also being a glasses girl, Naomi also has kids that don’t matter, and Katherine, a red haired little brat I want to murder who sneaked on board their attack helicopter.
With them is Giga, a giant mech, and Link, a little robot pink rabbit thing who acts like R2D2 in the helicopter and doubles as an alarm clock and convenient portable computer.
They work for the Guard of Rose which consists of only them. According to the Wiki, they’re the special guards for Neo Purgatory….Which makes no sense considering that their headquarters are stationed pretty far from there. Also, why would they need a specialized helicopter, a rabbit robot and a giant mech to guard such a place?
Link, by the way, is an official police robot. The government purposely made that thing to look like a pink rabbit.
Also, if their credo is so much “women fighting men’s violence” then I really don’t understand their purpose at all. Are there no women on death row/Neo Purgatory? Are women just the kindest gentlest creatures ever? Could’ve fooled me with all the gun fights and killing.
What kind of name is the Guard of Rose anyway? They guard Neo Purgatory. Are women roses? Is the prison a rose?
We see them fighting some rebels at Neo Purgatory who have missiles somehow (Outfit the prison filled with serial killers and rapists with accessible missiles immediately!) Katherine, a stowaway on their helicopter, is detained by Giga and their helicopter gets shot down. Before you can say “shortest movie ever”, Giga exits the helicopter and catches it, slowing it down just enough to not kill everyone. However, Giga’s badly damaged and needs repairs. This means he never does anything for the rest of the movie…..They have a giant mech and do nothing but that with him. Cheers.
US soldiers find them and rescue them from the wreckage as we cut to our villain preparing for more villain things. His name is Donn Canyon, though these subs seem to like calling him Tone Kane, (Not sure which is better to be honest. One sounds like a cartoon cowboy the other sounds like a cheesy action movie star.) and he looks like this.
Yes, you are currently seeing this. This is a Fist of the North Star character after doing the fusion dance with Vash the Stampede, shooting up 400 gallons of steroids and inexplicably wearing an outfit with tons of tubes, pumps, bolts and, for reasons beyond my understanding, scissors and extractors. Look at him. Just….look at him. Just stare in awe at how his character design was greenlit.
He’s working with his sons to take over Neo Purgatory and destroy humanity, but more on that later.
As the soldiers and the Guard of Rose are making a game plan, rebel prisoners show up. The mummy ninjas (try calling them anything besides that. They move and attack like Roadrunner while looking like this.
brutally attack the soldiers, cutting their heads off and slicing them open. Also, it’s nice to know we’ll still have bad guys in 2026 who sport leather, spikes and mohawks. I was worried there for a bit.
It’s here where the girls, well, Maki, Doris and Marilyn at least, show off their magic science powers. That’s the only way I can describe it. See, their suits run on some sort of energy. I have no clue what kind of energy nor where any kind of battery can fit on those suits, nor how they recharge, but they do. Their suits summon weapons from nowhere like magical girls. Doris gets a sword, Marilyn gets a Boh staff while Maki gets some sort of lightning stuff that shoots from her fists.
I really have to ask, like a common question to Final Fantasy games, why are they using swords and even more confusingly boh staves when guns are a thing? Hell, this is 2026 so they probably have way better guns. They do use pistols, but why are their specialty weapons swords and boh staves? I don’t even know what Naomi gets if she gets any weapons since she seems to play a support role, and the only thing we see Katherine do is use pistols.
The girls are doing well in the battle when energy bombs come from nowhere and start blowing everything up, followed by mechs shooting the energy bombs controlled by one of Donn Canyon’s sons, Terry Canyon. Terry, predictably, also looks like crap and has a thing for old hard rock. He changes the songs as he increases the intensity of his attack, and when he enters the “final secuence” He ends up blowing the girls up in the helicopter.
Luckily two guys named JC and Mike, one of which sporting a horrible looking lavender beret for no reason, sneaks on board the helicopter to save the girls and brings them to a cell in Neo Purgatory.
Maki freaks out at the sight of them when she wakes up and nearly kills them. Naomi explains that he doesn’t know who they are or what they want. JC and Mike don’t explain, but claim that Ed Canyon, Donn Canyon’s oldest son and his second in command, told them that women or the Guard of Rose have bombs in their chests and they want to see them…..Okay, if the bombs are IN their chests, how the hell would you see them? On X-ray?
Hearing this, Maki does the rational thing and throws her bra in their faces, showcasing her boobs to them as she talks about what violent filthy pigs men are. Right, you kill people with magic science lightning and guns and randomly take your top off in front of complete strangers, but they’re the violent filthy pigs. They’re so freaked out by her outburst and the sight of her boobs that they fall to the floor in a daze. Don’t worry, that’s just one of many things that make no sense.
Maki, Naomi, Doris and Katherine are fine for reasons beyond my understanding, and they suffer no injuries that affect them over the course of the rest of the movie despite puddles of blood and wounds to the torso. They notice that Marilyn is gone, and we learn that she’s been captured by the rebels.
While preparing for an assault to save Marilyn, Link detects a camera that runs across the rails of the halls of the prison and records any activity. Since Terry controls those cameras now, they’ll be caught if it catches them. Probably wasn’t a good idea to take shelter inside of the place fully controlled by rebels then, was it? It’s like if they decided the best place to hide from the Empire in Star Wars was inside the Death Star.
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