Dissecting the Disquels: Tarzan 2

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Rating: 3/10

Plot: Taking place in the middle of the original Tarzan (Mid song, actually since this supposedly takes place during “Son of Man”), Tarzan’s on a mission to find out what he really is. While he’s doing so, he runs into the mysterious frightening creature, the Zugor.

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Breakdown: I liked Tarzan. It’s no masterpiece, but it certainly holds its own. It has likable characters, some touching moments, great music, nice visuals and a decent villain.

Tarzan 2…..is boring as hell.

First of all, let me tell you that this movie has no place being called Tarzan 2 since it’s a midquel not a sequel.

Second, I have no idea where this movie is supposed to take place. I wanted to say that it takes place during the montage where Tarzan’s coming into his own and growing up like in TLK 1 ½, and that seems to be the general consensus, but it can’t. In fact, this movie can’t possibly take place and fit in any part in the original movie that I can see. But let’s get to that later.

This movie starts off by showing Tarzan getting chased by Terk who’s pretending to be some infamous monster called the Zugor. While he’s playing, he causes all sorts of chaos and nearly hurts some baby gorillas. This causes all of the adult apes to yell at him and tell their kids not to play with Tarzan anymore because he’s a menace.

Later, Tarzan sulks because he’s seen as a freak. He causes trouble and is slow compared to the other gorillas, making him an accident waiting to happen. Kala decides to take him to some huge-ass tree that has tons of trunks and says that all of the trunks work together to support the tree just like all of the parts of their family work together, and this cheers Tarzan up. Kala is easily the best thing in this movie. I loved her in the first movie and I love her here. She’s just such a perfect mother figure; just enough to be believable and real. It’s disheartening that she gets so little screen time.

The next day, the family is walking across a giant tree bridge when the tree starts to fall. Tarzan’s too slow to make it across in time and tries to hang on while Kala tries to reach him. However, she’s flung back by a branch and the tree falls. He manages to hang on to a vine and fling across to land, but Kala believes him to be dead. Damn, first her actual kid who never gets named now this.

Tarzan manages to find his way back but is horrified when he sees his mother lying on the ground telling Kerchak (who’s only in this film for about mmmm 3 minutes and gets all of two lines) that she would’ve given her life for his. Following that, he overhears a bunch of bitches saying that Kala’s probably better off without him. Wow! I know he survived, but what heartless whores. He’s barely cold and they’re saying she’s better off without him just because he’s an energetic and slow kid. Go to gorilla hell!

Tarzan decides to run away to avoid causing her mother any pain. He somehow enters Dark Mountain which is where the Zugor supposedly lives. He’s found by a large and dumb gorilla voiced by Brad Garret. He’s basically playing the same character as he plays on Everybody Loves Raymond right down to the fighting with his brother and the controlling mother. He, his violent brother whose schtick is getting the hiccups and Marie (she might as well be that) live in the mountain because they’re too afraid of Zugor, a creature that is never seen by them, to leave. Well, I’d say they’re that stupid.

……Uhh, I honestly can’t fill in the gaps here but Tarzan runs away from something and runs into an old gorilla voiced by George Carlin. Yes, that George Carlin. The gorilla runs into his tree and refuses to let Tarzan in to hide.

The next day, he spots the gorilla scaring other animals by yelling ZUGOR into hollow trees and caves. He calls him out on it and makes him a deal; he’ll keep his Zugor secret if he lets him stay with him and help him figure out what he is if he’s not an ape. Okay, I don’t get how everyone’s afraid of a voice. No one’s been attacked by him, he’s just yelling into hollow things and that scares everyone enough to run off in fear? Wusses.

Terk, who’s not voiced by Rosie O’Donnell here, but who cares (the VA they got for her is pretty good at emulating her voice) and Tantor go off looking for Tarzan after Tantor hears Tarzan yelling through an echo.

Zugor tries to find out what Tarzan is by putting him with a bunch of different animals, but finds that he matches none of them. However, he discovers that he makes neat lassos with vines to do stuff like grabbing things and…grabbing things.

Tarzan makes him a hammock out of leaves and vines like Zugor’s mom used to as a gift. Aw.

Zugor states that he was never as fast or strong as the other gorillas for whatever reason and that’s why he ran off to be Zugor. Kindred spirits. Yay.

The baby gorillas from before tell Kala that Tarzan’s still alive so she goes to Dark Mountain to find him.

Terk gets captured by Brad Garret and he and his brother and mother basically force her to tell them where their home is.

Zugor says that if Tarzan can’t figure out what he is, he can be a Zugor and Tarzan’s happy about that.

Tarzan bumps into Terk and Tantor who explain that they’re being followed by Brad Garret and the cast of Everybody Loves Raymond so Tarzan runs off to hide them in Zugor’s house. Along the way, he basically yells out that he’s a Zugor now and he knows the actual Zugor and he’s not a monster.

Dammit Tarzan you had ONE JOB. Both Marie and Zugor overhear this and Marie’s pissed that she was stuck in an awful mountain for all of this time by an old gorilla (Again, all she heard was a voice, they could’ve easily left. In fact, it would’ve been more intelligent to leave either way. I doubt if anyone hears a bear roar or a wolf howl their first thought is ‘we should totally stay here the rest of our lives.’) and Zugor’s pissed that Tarzan’s a loud dumbass. Marie’s sons destroy Zugor’s home in revenge and go off to take over Tarzan’s family’s home.

Zugor turns him away for help to get away from the cast of Everybody Loves Raymond. Gee, I wonder where this is headed.

Kala runs into Brad Garret and his family. After Brad Garret grabs one of the babies, he’s threatened by Kala. In defense of her son, Marie knocks Kala and the babies off of the cliff. But luckily there’s an insanely convenient ledge directly below it to perch on.

Zugor returns to save Tarzan, because cliches.

He then tells him that he knows exactly what he is. He can swing on vines and make lassos and stuff that gorillas could easily do, I mean can’t do apparently, that’s what makes him unique so he’s….a TARZAN. Yeah…Okay. So Tarzan takes this oldfound newfound knowledge to swing on vines and save Kala while simultaneously creating complicated traps and stuff to fight off Brad Garret and his brother. It’s like Home Alone if the traps were made in milliseconds.

Meanwhile Zugor fights Marie, for some reason shouts out that she has beautiful eyes and boom, romantic relationship established. Because we really wanted this psychotic bitch to get a happy ending, right?

Tarzan’s reunited with Kala and they go back home.

Zugor returns to say goodbye to Tarzan because he’s apparently going to go off somewhere with Marie and her sons because they need him and these guys out of the movie because he’s not in the original movie and that would create even more continuity errors.

Tarzan plays with Terk and Tantor and is now able to keep up, if not go faster because he can swing on vines and tree surf.

End on Tarzan’s yell which is child-ish.

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So, yeah, boring. I can’t even rage about this movie, it’s just boring. Oh and that stuff I was saying about this not fitting in anywhere in the original movie; yeah, it doesn’t. If it happened before Kala gave Tarzan that great epiphany about himself then, well, he wouldn’t need an epiphany because he had that in this movie. Unless he’s like Shinji from Evangelion and has epiphanies just to forget them and get worse. If it happened during the growing up montage, then that negates what Kala told him and basically replaced it with an entirely new story that wasn’t mirrored in the original movie. It just doesn’t work!

And even if it did fit, we didn’t need to see this. This is nothing but a lame rehash of a plotline that already existed in the actual movie. TLK 1 ½ was also a retelling, but it was from a different perspective; Timon and Pumbaa’s (mostly Timon) and it gave us new insight and backstory, even if that still didn’t make much sense. This movie simply didn’t need to be made. The story’s boring and rehashed from the original, the new characters are dumb and you know they don’t have a big bearing on his life because we see him as an adult in the original and they’re nowhere to be found. It’s just completely dull.

On a better note, Phil Collins reprises his role in the music section of this movie. However, other than ‘Who am I?’ The songs aren’t very memorable. They recycle ‘Son of Man’ (edited to make it sound awkward and piss you off.) and yes I mean recycled as in they didn’t even re-record it, they used the same copy from the first movie. And they give us some BG music style of ‘You’ll be in my Heart’ for one small scene. ‘Who am I’ was redone for the ending credits by some Disney pop girl everyone’s already forgotten.

Art-wise, this movie holds up well. The environments aren’t as dark as they originally were due to the lighter tone, but the art itself seems pretty damn close to the original. The animation is also good.

This movie does give some cute little pokes to the original movie. For instance, it basically shows how Tarzan learns how to Tree Surf (by sliding down a tunnel, because that’s the same thing, right? Also, Tree Surfing always bothered me. It looks like that would hella hurt.) and Tarzan makes the same pose as he does when ‘Son of Man’ ends when he finishes fighting the brothers.

Bottomline: This movie isn’t as bad as many other Disney Sequels. At least it doesn’t piss me off much, but there’s absolutely no reason to watch it. It gives no new insights on the characters, explores nothing new and what story is there is boring as hell.

Recommended Audience: Seriously? Fetus+

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